the first sign of madness

sanity according to the dictionary is soundness of judgement or mind

insanity it follows is a derangement of the mind foolhardy or senseless

by this definition I am starting to wonder who qualifies

I recall being told at school that the second sign of madness is hairs growing on your palms

because of my differences as a child I did not take this lightly and promptly looked

only to be told that the first sign of madness was looking for them

in that moment I chose to make it mean I was mad and have worried about it ever since going to great pains to act mad and know it is me doing it to hide the horrible truth

I am mad

there is a caveat

I was also told as a child that a person who is mad does not know they are mad meaning if I now declare my sanity I will by default be a mad person

I therefore have to admit to and embrace my madness

anyone who has ever experienced a panic attack will know the sense of non reality that goes with them

for me panic attacks are fuelled by a paranoia that I said or did something culturally unacceptable I do not remember

I literally have to ignore my logical aspie mind and the Stephen King style fantasy world it creates for me

WHAT IF

obviously these things never happen to a sane person yet when you believe you are losing control it can be very disturbing thinking about what a mad person would do

somehow I have arrived at a place aged forty seven where I have a more rational outlook and some peace of mind over these demons

and yet sometimes they call

it is like internal tourettes my inner voice shouting TITS ARSE NIGGER or worse usually resulting in me looking perplexed as I make sure it isn’t coming out my mouth

nobody has ever been kind enough to tell me it ever has

it is a function of anxiety not my opinion and often unrelated to reality so am I deranged foolhardy or senseless or am I of sound mind

I have these problems yet I am naturally a kind caring man more likely to rescue a person from danger than anything else

my choice would be not to have to explore these issues and yet

they are always there

see you on the other side of the looking glass

mark ty wharton

(use of lower case letters and lack of punctuation constitutes deliberate creative licence)

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Mark Ty-Wharton

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1 Comment

  1. i didn’t really take in the above post…
    i find it’s important to ‘get close’ (being the listening space) of a human describing madness or sanity – since they are just words which hold an entire history of humanities definition of them (the story)

    ‘i’m okay (a reassurance a deep bond of okay), i’m loving, i’m supportive, i feel my body and my breathing, i’m in touch with the flow of life, intuition and the grace of all that is and i am respectful of harmony’

    i can play with words

    like poetry in motion, Love

    Like

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