My partner recently dragged me along on a relationships course to sort out our love life.
Well, that is my story and I am sticking to it.
What happened on the second day was extraordinary.
I stormed out of the building and left the course.
I have to admit that it isn’t the first time I have done this.
In the past I would have just been angry and blamed everyone else. I would have got lost in the process of the anger and not looked at some fundamental issues which shape my life.
It seems to me that in the lack of a presence of any other way of being, I am anger.
Put another way, if I am not angry, I get to see there is a huge void inside of me.
Culturally we have been led to believe that something is missing and we turn to God, or seek pleasure to try and bridge this gap. The gap between who we believe ourselves to be and who we are not.
I have news for you. You are not anything. The atom farm, or colony or family of electrons and neutrons that creates the physical co-operative that is your body, doesn’t need you.
You are a function of it and it doesn’t care much about what you think.
As I stormed around Hyde Park, I began to realise that I wasn’t being angry, angry was being me.
Provided I am angry, I get to be a me.
If there is no anger, I lose my sense of identity.
And it is this very sense of identity that is illusory.
Sure, there is a physical form typing on these keys, but is it an individual?
The only point of view where it possibly can be an individual is as a manager of various processes.
I get to breathe, drink, eat, read, sleep, write.
Without getting too deeply into it in a light hearted blog post (ask me for coaching if you want to blow your mind), there are no processes an individual is in charge of. None.
So, back to anger and storming around Hyde Park.
I have maintained for thirty years that I am having panic attacks and they make me very angry.
What I noticed is that anger is having panic attacks.
The two seem somewhat collapsed, yet there is a fear of what might happen if everything was unleashed.
There is a fear of dark deeds and murder most foul.
I am angry at people, because I have an undeclared commitment to be angry.
To be a somebody, I have to find fault in the world and blow up about it.
And then I am this wonderful new age guy, who is gentle and kind and caring.
It’s so fucking two faced.
I get to manifest anger because of a sense that something is missing and I need to fill the void.
I get to manifest panic attacks because it wouldn’t be nice to be angry.
And there is a lot of anger that never gets honoured.
And by not honouring it, it never gets dealt with.
For example, if I try and be level headed around my ex-wife to give my children the impression that everything is okay between us, I never get to acknowledge the things she did that made me angry.
They get bottled up.
And bottles burst and anger shows up in all sorts of strange ways.
Like panic attacks, road rage, or lumps under the skin.
So what am I saying?
It is a simple process.
Acknowledge anger and let it be.
Acknowledging anger does not mean I have to act on it.
What my ex-wife did was not okay and I am still angry about it ten years later, simply because I kept a lid on it, to be positive for my kids.
Humanity’s lack of compassion and fairness is not okay.
When people rip me off, it is not okay.
Doing self development does not mean it is okay.
A double negative does not make a positive.
Don’t be angry?
Worse still, don’t try to not be angry?
All this negating leads to a lack of acceptance for what is there.
Honoured, the anger can be seen for what it is, an energy, the fake identity of Mark.
When it is a ghost in the machine, trapped with a lid, it is invisible.
When I honour that “life is not fair and I hate you” it can be seen for the drama that it is.
See you on the other side of the looking glass,
Anurajyati (be in love!)
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